THE LOYALTY PROGRAM APOCALYPSE
I Just Wanted Milk.
Now I'm Joining A Cult.
Canadians used to shop.
Now we enroll.
Every store now wants:
- your email
- your phone number
- your postal code
- your birthday
- your preferences
- and possibly a DNA sample
...in exchange for saving 17 cents.
Cashier:
"Do you have our rewards card?"
Customer:
"No."
Cashier:
"Would you like one?"
Customer:
"I'm buying a banana."
Cashier:
"So that's a yes."
At this point Canadians belong to more loyalty programs than political parties.
Your wallet contains:
- grocery rewards
- gas rewards
- pharmacy rewards
- coffee rewards
- airline rewards
- hardware rewards
Yet somehow you still have zero points when you actually need them.
One day you'll die and your children will inherit:
- your house
- your tools
- and 47,000 unused reward points.
🧨 Story #2
Congratulations!
You've Won A Free Identity Theft
Canada's newest national pastime isn't hockey.
It's ignoring scam texts.
Before breakfast the average Canadian receives:
- 4 CRA scams
- 3 bank scams
- 2 package delivery scams
- 1 lonely prince from overseas
Apparently we're all one unpaid tax bill away from immediate arrest.
The messages always read like they were written by a raccoon using Google Translate.
Dear Customer Person Human,
Your taxes are immediately overdue.
Click here or police.
Seems legit.
The real tragedy?
The one legitimate phone call goes directly to spam.
🧨 Story #3
The Great Grocery Lock-Up
Need toothpaste?
Please wait for assistance.
Need deodorant?
Please wait for assistance.
Need shampoo?
Please wait for assistance.
Need the employee who assists people?
Please wait for assistance.
Stores now lock up products worth less than a large coffee.
Somewhere in Canada:
A man is standing in aisle seven waiting twenty minutes to buy a $4.99 stick of deodorant.
At this point purchasing toothpaste feels like renewing a passport.
Customer:
"Can somebody unlock this?"
Store:
"Ticket number 347. Please remain calm."
🧨 Story #4
Canada's Housing Market Continues To Be Written By Comedians
Real estate listings now feature phrases like:
- cozy
- charming
- efficient
- compact
Which roughly translates to:
"You're renting a hallway."
Listing:
Bright studio apartment.
Reality:
The stove is beside the bed.
The shower is beside the stove.
The landlord lives in the ceiling.
Rent:
$2,300/month
Utilities:
Not included.
Hope:
Not included.
Final Thoughts
Canada used to have:
- stores
- homes
- telephones
Now we have:
- loyalty programs
- scam texts
- locked toothpaste
- and apartments that double as storage lockers.
Honestly?
The raccoons living in Walmart ceilings may have the best housing situation in the country.