Canada continues producing headlines that sound like rejected South Park episodes.
Here’s the newest batch of national nonsense you can weaponize for The Retired Menace:
1. Ontario Town Begging People To Stop Feeding Coyotes
Canadians Attempting To Befriend Forest Crackheads
Officials are warning residents to stop feeding coyotes after the animals started:
- following people,
- approaching homes,
- and acting way too comfortable around humans.
Translation:
Canadians are accidentally domesticating woodland psychopaths.
Coyotes already behave like:
- divorced dads with gambling problems,
- or guys who say “you got a cigarette?” outside gas stations.
And now people are hand-feeding them like Disney princesses.
Somewhere there’s absolutely:
- a woman named Cheryl,
- giving hot dogs to a coyote,
- while insisting:
“He’s misunderstood.”
Ma’am that thing would absolutely steal copper wire.
2. Canadian Walmart Locked Down Because Of Raccoon In Ceiling
The Trash Panda Resistance Expands
A Walmart reportedly had sections shut down after a raccoon was discovered living in the ceiling.
At this point raccoons are no longer wildlife.
They’re squatters.
Honestly though?
Living inside a Canadian Walmart feels less like an infestation and more like:
affordable housing.
Employees reportedly spent hours trying to remove the animal while customers continued shopping like nothing was happening.
Because Canadians can witness:
- structural raccoon occupation,
- overhead ceiling noises,
- and possible rabies…
…and still think:
“Yeah but I still need windshield fluid.”
3. Canadian Tire Selling “Emergency Preparedness Kits”
We’re Finally Admitting Society Is Fragile
Canadian Tire is reportedly pushing emergency survival kits harder this year because:
- wildfires,
- storms,
- power outages,
- and general societal weirdness keep escalating.
Which honestly feels fair.
At this point every Canadian household should contain:
- batteries,
- canned soup,
- duct tape,
- and at least one broom specifically for geese.
The ads are hilarious too.
They always show:
- smiling families,
- organized supplies,
- calm confidence.
Reality?
Most Canadians would survive approximately:
- 11 minutes,
- two beers,
- and one missing phone charger.
BEST VISUAL PICK:
“Raccoon Living In Walmart Ceiling”
The graphic possibilities are incredible:
- raccoon looking through ceiling tiles,
- employees panicking,
- shoppers casually ignoring it,
- raccoon holding a Tim Hortons cup like he pays rent.
That’s premium “This Can’t Be Real” energy.